Saturday, June 26, 2010

I'm a depressing bastard tonight. But I've been thinking.

I want to do two blogs about today.
One on the Gay Pride Parade, which I'll do tomorrow and another on an epiphany I had.
See, today I was walking through town to get a bus, and a man was handing out medals, you know the religious kind. I took it from him, thanked him and walked on.
When I got home, I just happened to find it in my pocket.. And I've had a bit of a rough evening and I was thinking "What was the point of him handing these out? Is it supposed to make everything better? Protect me? Or what?". Then I thought, "Right God, if you're here, if you're real, change this, change everything."

Then I remembered various conversations I've had with religion teachers, priests and other people like that. God doesn't prove himself, you've to have faith in him. So wait a second.. What that means is, and I only realised this an hour ago, that everyday my faith is tested with people dying, bad things happening, you know what I mean. But I, the person who he is putting through all of this, is not to expect an answer when I call upon him? And I'm not talking about tonight, I've called him before, when I had faith. My mam had cancer two summers ago, my friends all abandoned me (bar one, who had to do the job of many friends) and I was left there virtually on my own, the only reason I hadn't tried to kill myself was because I knew my mam wouldn't forgive herself if I did. She'd blame herself and lose the will to fight the cancer. God didn't help me then. He didn't give me guidance. He left me. Or was never there to begin with. Maybe I could say he didn't help me because he knew I wouldn't be the reason my mam died. But why did he risk it?

Not that my situation was as horrible as some people go through. I don't know if it's made me a better person in the long run, I don't know. But the thing is, there ARE worse off people out there.

Where's God when they need him?

It's really amazing the thoughts that stem from a necklace. I don't know, maybe I'm on my own because I don't believe, or maybe God realised I didn't have a strong enough faith. I'm certainly not criticising anyone for their faith in God. You're a stronger bunch than I am.


  1. This is a deep post... I personally think that God sometimes leaves us in hard situations because once we get through them, we're much stronger people...

  2. I like that song, too! (: and I'm horribly sorry about your mom!

  3. Loved this post. Sorry about your mom :(

    I agree with Benazir, sort of. My parents never brought me up to have any religious belief, so I find it kinda hard to put my trust & believe in someone like God. (Which is something that I really want to do)

  4. O, indeed a deep post...
    I'm really sorry you had to go through such a rough time 2 years ago. A good friend of mine is going to something similar right now.

    I don't really believe in God either. Some people get support in faith, but I just don't. Yeah, sometimes I 'pray' and talk to him, but then I kind of realise too I'm just talking to my inner self or something :)


    PS: Gay parade, seems interesting!

  5. Deep post indeed.

    Actually, it may sound weird, but I actually think that God is with you right now. Your not dieing in a slum or anything, are you?

    And the greatest gift that God gave humans was free-will. It could get a bit boring if God was living and controling your life, right?

    But that's just my opinion. :)

  6. Sorry about your mom. I know that 'sorry' doesn't really mean anything but ya know,now you know that we're not all horrible people. Or atleast not all the time :)

    I wonder if God ever looks down and just thinks 'Why did I bother creating Earth?...What kind of a hangover did I have when I created THAT mess?' ...if he even exists at all.

  7. God's with you. And, even though I've never met you, I can promise you that. I agree with Benazir- we become stronger after trials. And I'm so glad you're still here, instead of, you know, killing yourself. :)