I'm a depressing bastard tonight. But I've been thinking.

I want to do two blogs about today.
One on the Gay Pride Parade, which I'll do tomorrow and another on an epiphany I had.
See, today I was walking through town to get a bus, and a man was handing out medals, you know the religious kind. I took it from him, thanked him and walked on.
When I got home, I just happened to find it in my pocket.. And I've had a bit of a rough evening and I was thinking "What was the point of him handing these out? Is it supposed to make everything better? Protect me? Or what?". Then I thought, "Right God, if you're here, if you're real, change this, change everything."

Then I remembered various conversations I've had with religion teachers, priests and other people like that. God doesn't prove himself, you've to have faith in him. So wait a second.. What that means is, and I only realised this an hour ago, that everyday my faith is tested with people dying, bad things happening, you know what I mean. But I, the person who he is putting through all of this, is not to expect an answer when I call upon him? And I'm not talking about tonight, I've called him before, when I had faith. My mam had cancer two summers ago, my friends all abandoned me (bar one, who had to do the job of many friends) and I was left there virtually on my own, the only reason I hadn't tried to kill myself was because I knew my mam wouldn't forgive herself if I did. She'd blame herself and lose the will to fight the cancer. God didn't help me then. He didn't give me guidance. He left me. Or was never there to begin with. Maybe I could say he didn't help me because he knew I wouldn't be the reason my mam died. But why did he risk it?

Not that my situation was as horrible as some people go through. I don't know if it's made me a better person in the long run, I don't know. But the thing is, there ARE worse off people out there.

Where's God when they need him?

It's really amazing the thoughts that stem from a necklace. I don't know, maybe I'm on my own because I don't believe, or maybe God realised I didn't have a strong enough faith. I'm certainly not criticising anyone for their faith in God. You're a stronger bunch than I am.