I haven't written in a while (Frenchie).. And I think I might do it today. So I was reading this post on Gabrielle's blog, where she talks about a boy she likes, and the story reminds me so much of a boy I liked. A long long time ago!
(Now that I've written it, I've realised the stories aren't very similar. Also, I hadn't intended for this to be so deep. haahahhah. By the way, I WILL BE BACK TO NORMAL BY THURSDAY. With a super good post.)
Okay, so let's drag ourselves back to the 24th of March four years ago. I was at my best friend Ash's birthday party. There was a boy there with dark hair, who brought her lemons as a birthday present. I knew this was it. This was Love. There was also a ginger there too. And we had a good time, played monopoly, yadayadayada.. Wait, I just realised I'm going to have to change his name.. Just in case. Okay, we'll call him Heathcliff, seeing as it's obviously fake. Anyway.
So we left Ash's 13th birthday party and that was it. For now. My friend.. Catherine Earnshaw started to talk to Gingey, they got on really really well. I was jealous of her, that I didn't live right next door to them. So I started to make excuses to get closer to them. I would go over to her house more often, don't get me wrong, Catherine Earnshaw and I were great friends, and still are. (Oh and by the way, this isn't Catzy.. I hadn't even met her yet). But anyway, gradually we got closer. And introduced to more of their friends. And so a group formed. Which we called the "Posse" (it works with the area they live). We spent the entire summer of '07 together, wow, I was in love with Heathcliff.. We would flirt, spend the days together, we had our songs, our jokes... It was amazing. Life carries on. I "went out with" a boy around Halloween of that year, because I was starting to realise that maybe Heathcliff didn't like me in that way (actually I've a funny story about that boy for later). Maybe I went out with him to make Heathcliff jealous. I don't know.
But anyway, we broke up after a while and then, after New Year, another boy joined... Who, for the sake of this, we shall call Gremlin. No reason or anything.. *cough* Anyway, this Gremlin caused a rift in our tightly knit group. See, he liked a friend of mine, Jess. But she rejected him, even though she liked him, she wasn't ready or something. And so he decides to go out with Catherine Earnshaw. They lasted a week. After they broke up, Catherine realised she loved him, and this is where shit hit the fan.. Cos what does the good old Gremlin do? Only ask out Catherine's best friend, and mine and Jess'. Oh and by the way, Jess's sister died near Christmas and my mam got diagnosed with cancer in March/April time.
So Poser decides to accept him, even though she knows Catherine still loved him (can I clarify that Catherine knew him quite a while beforehand?). So what happens next? Oh nothing only Gremlin cheats on Poser with Catherine Earnshaw. Jess and I find out, and Gremlin begs us to tell Poser, so we do. This news splits the group. Why? Well, turns out that Gremlin had also been sexting a few girls. Yet Poser takes him back. Even to this day, it angers me. Jess and I pack up and leave. Heathcliff blames us for it, even though Gremlin had asked Jess to do it (they were best friends then) and yadayadayada. Basically we can fill this part (summer 08) in with two words "TEEN ANGST". I went through a terrible time (this is what I was talking about in that post about God). I remember babysitting, and sitting downstairs while the kid was upstairs and CRYING and CRYING and CRYING. I cried myself to sleep. I self-harmed. And the thing is, only Jess knew. No one else, just her. I know now, it was wrong of me to do that but Christ at the time, there was nothing else. I felt like everyone hated me, and in truth, they did. Taylor Swift is right, fifteen is the age when everything changes. I couldn't help hurting myself, I felt like I had caused everything. I wished I could make it so Jess got to say goodbye to her sister, I wished she never had to say goodbye. I wished I could cure my mam. I wished Heathcliff would love me. I wished for everything to work out and it hurt so much, because each one I needed so badly. It wasn't like now "I wish they'd ask me out".. I needed his love. And it was my fault he didn't love me, it had to be. There was something about me that, to him, made me unlovable. I wanted to spend my life with him. And I know fifteen isn't the age to decided this, but it's what I wanted.
Anyway, due to another friend, things were smoothed over. Eventually. It took a long time, and I will never forget it. And for the most part, things went back to normal. Then something terrible happened. Jess and I fell out. This killed me. I wanted to be her friend, desperately. But she was in a different place to me. And I needed so badly to let the past go. I had to, I wasn't able for it. I know it makes me sound like a bad friend, and maybe I am. Wait, I AM. I couldn't shoulder her problems and mine. I started to hang out with Catherine Earnshaw more. And this brings us up to last summer. So Heathcliff decides let's drop a bombshell..
I didn't know what to do. I mean, believe me, be as gay as a hatter, I don't care, honestly.. But please.. Not you. I needed you to love me. I needed you.
Luckily I went away with the family for a while that summer. We went back to school this year, and now things are finally getting back to normal and I'm getting over it. Kinda. Well, the thing is, I wasted what, 3/4 years of my life on him? You don't get over that easily.
Anyway, how are YOU today?